When the Goal Gets Complicated: My UTMB Reality Check

"This one wild and precious life..." Mary Oliver

Earlier this week, I had a moment. A real one. The kind where you have to pause, step back, and ask yourself, "What am I really chasing?"

For months, I’ve been holding onto my goal of running UTMB like a lifeline. I never questioned it. I didn’t join the chorus of trail runners frustrated by the IRONMAN merger or the confusion around the new qualification process. I didn’t care about the politics. I just wanted to run UTMB.

But then, in a conversation with my coach, Anne, we realized something: we had misunderstood the qualification process. A lot of the races I’ve signed up for — the ones I thought were helping me qualify — don’t actually give me the running stones I need. They only contribute to a UTMB Index Score, which, frankly, I don’t care about.

I felt crushed.

Getting sick forced me to cancel one of my most important races of the year. I thought I had a solid backup plan. But that’s when the truth hit — the race I was pivoting to wouldn’t give me stones either. Suddenly, my only chance at qualifying came down to my October race. One shot. One basket. All the stones.

And it shook me, especially after having to pull from a race due to illness.

In that moment, I wanted to scrap it all. Why bother? There are other races I want to do.

I came home to the comfort of my husband. He reminded me of something I had lost sight of in the fog of logistics and stress: I want this. It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay to be disappointed. But I hadn’t wasted time or money. We ran Antelope Canyon and I didn't get any running stones, but— we had fun, we explored, we lived. The same would go for the other races on the calendar this year. And that’s never a loss.

I hadn’t cried about the race I missed due to illness. I knew it was the right call. But sitting in the quiet, being real and vulnerable with my partner, I broke down. This goal suddenly felt selfish. Huge. Expensive. And I found myself wondering — is it even worth it?

But here's the thing — this is normal. This is what real goals feel like sometimes. Especially the big ones.

What would life be without goals?

I spent a big chunk of my 20s chasing business goals. Building. Scaling. Making money. And I was good at it. But it took a hard reset in my life to realize that I could save all the money in the world… and still not feel fulfilled.

Yes, pursuing something like UTMB comes with a cost. But so does living a life where your dreams stay on the shelf.

I don’t live to work anymore. I work to live. To run. To travel. To experience. To chase the wild things that light me up inside.

And I still want this.

And so, it was back to the drawing board.

I really wanted to enter the UTMB lottery with more than just the running stones I'll receive from my October 100-miler. And beyond that, I was trained, hungry, and ready for something more challenging — now. The window was tight. There are only six UTMB World Series races in the U.S., and I was already signed up for one. Another was happening this weekend.

My options were limited. But thanks to the support of my husband and my coach, I made a decision.

In two weeks, I’ll be lining up at the start of one of the few remaining qualifying races. It’s not the 100K I had originally planned for — this one’s a 50K. But it’s a race. It’s a chance. And I’ll walk away two stones deeper into my goal.

And that’s the thing about chasing something big: sometimes the path isn’t straight. But you pivot, you recommit, and you keep showing up.

I’m still all in.UTMB — I’m coming for you.