When Purpose Feels Unclear

I would venture to say that most people who follow me on Instagram or Facebook—even people who know me personally—assume I’m confident in my work. They’re wrong.

For the past eight years or so, I’ve struggled to feel like what I do has purpose. I even went back to college, thinking I might change careers. And maybe I would have. But midway through my degree, I realized I didn’t want to be a nurse. I was already on the path, already applied to a nursing school, when Armando got cancer. I spent countless hours in the hospital, and it only confirmed what I didn’t want: a career in healthcare. I wanted out—fast.

I stepped back from coaching clients and cut back on massage work. I took a job with Sam as an office manager in a field completely unrelated to healthcare. It felt nice—for a while. But that feeling didn’t last. I missed my job. I missed my clients. And yet, even now, I carry this nagging feeling that I’m not contributing anything that really matters.

Recently, I started listening to the audiobook A Changed Mind by David Bayer. Almost immediately, it overwhelmed me. I texted a friend who I knew would get it—she often struggles with feeling settled in her work too. The book opens with a simple question: “What do you want?” And it points out that while we’re often clear on what we don’t want, we’re usually pretty fuzzy on what we do want.

Naturally, that pissed me off—because he’s right.

I’ve been searching for peace in my career. When I took a job two years ago that turned out to be a terrible fit, I promised myself that iwhen to self-employment, I’d make the most of it. I’d work the hours I wanted, schedule my days around running and the gym, and always be off when Nora had a meet—track or cross-country—so I could be there. I told myself I’d pace things better to avoid burnout.

But the burnout still creeps in. It’s not from overwork—it’s from the uncertainty. The constant client turnover as a fitness coach. The pressure to fill open slots. The endless need to be “present” on social media, even when all I want to do is delete the apps from my phone.

I know David Bayer means well—and honestly, his book has glowing reviews. But can we just admit something? It’s totally normal to not have a clear answer to the question “What do you want?” I mean, sure, Iknow what I want: to live in the mountains as a professional runner. And if you’re telling me it’s my negativity holding me back from that dream, well—I think you're wrong man! 😉

This morning, I woke up to a text from a client that said:

Good morning, most famous masseuse! I’m not sure what kind of magic you performed yesterday, but I feel 100% revived today. It’s like I’m a whole new person. Thank you so much—very needed, Brittney Massage!

Today, I’m choosing to believe that maybe my purpose is simply to bring a little joy or relief into someone’s day. And now, I’m learning to accept that maybe that’s enough.

P.S. Right now, I’m finishing up the first draft of a book that I hope you’ll read one day. Each time a client cancels or there’s unexpected space in my schedule—moments that would normally stress me out—I’m choosing to write instead. Time to get back to it!